nothing’s changed…

i’m still fuming. yes, over myself. i don’t have emotional outbursts in public anymore. even if i do, it’s usually a small one and it’s only done in the presence of family. how great is family. nevertheless, the inability to express myself over certain things that have infuriated me seems really stupid. i could have said something about it. it’s just a simple sms or a simple online or offline message on the messenger. yet, i didn’t do anything. knowing that i could have done something but chose not to made me feel worse. the inability to do so shows that i am just an ordinary coward who doesn’t even dare to say anything about her suffering and silently accept whatever that was given to her. that is who i am now. and i am not proud of it. where has the old me gone to? this has been going on and on in my head ever since my dad pointed out that i am somewhat a changed person every since i’ve gone to a public university to study. i used to want to grow up as soon as possible. to be mature. though, now, it seems that if it was possible, i would like to turn back time. if being a mature grown up means losing so much of myself, i don’t want to be matured. i’d prefer staying a young child forever. in life, if there is no individuality, there is no essence of life. there is technically speaking, no life. and now, i am having no life.

maybe it’s because the final examination is around the corner and making me feel giddy and stressed up. but, i have been pretty easily provoked nowadays. although, i am still far away from having an outburst. nevertheless, i cannot deny that the feelings that i have right now are not the best to have. it’s negative. and it’s causing me to think of a lot of things in a very negative manner. you could say that i am currently in a pessimistic kind of mode. and that is not good news, at all.

i want to go home and leave all these mess behind. but, i dread the finals coming so soon. i want holidays as soon as possible. but, i am having nightmares about failing the finals.

love,
natalie
15102009/7.56pm